“If You Are Going Out of Business Take Your Sign Down”

“If you are going out of business take your sign down,” my mother says, irritated about her treatment at a locally-owned restaurant.  Customers are treated like an afterthought at best and an annoyance at worst. This treatment begins as soon as you enter.  No one greets you.  There are people in aprons (called “aproned-ones” in this article since “server” wouldn’t be an accurate description), walking around but none of them actually acknowledge you.  Occasionally food is placed on a shelf from the cook and carried to a customer, but that doesn’t happen as often as you would think it would, given the number of customers.  So there are long waits between when food is ordered and when it arrives at the table of the hungry patron.   Every time a plate is set on that little ledge a customer hopefully looks to see if it’s their meal.  Frustration builds as the clock ticks.

Some haven’t placed their order and are now trying all methods within their power to get attention and a glass of water without being rude.   This includes glaring, raising their hands as though in school, half sitting, half standing, frowning and sighing loudly, while the aproned-ones walk by looking straight ahead, avoiding eye contact at any cost.

The cook puts the food on the shelf from the kitchen for the aproned-ones to take to the customers.  Since you don’t see servers getting the food quickly, you wonder how long that plate has been sitting on that lonely ledge.

As you stand at the door you wait with anticipation for someone to greet you and tell you what to do.   You wonder if you should just sit down, but are you supposed to wait to be seated like the sign says?  If you wait you might not ever get someone to come ever.  Anxiety.

Closed sign.png

You smell the food, you see the cooks and servers and the people eating but, everyone from server to cashier to the owner seem to have forgotten something….

that they are running a business and businesses have customers. I have walked outside of a place of business, looked up at at the sign – to see if it actually said “open for business.”  For some businesses instead of being greeted by “may I help you?’  employees are working on something and when they do acknowledge you it’s more like  “what do you want, I’m busy” than  “may I help you?”   Doesn’t a business serve customers?  Doesn’t a business have something of value for others? Doesn’t a business have a purpose?

Owning a business can be difficult.  Some sole proprietorships make a lot of money, some not so much.  And for some small businesses, including restaurants, there’s a lot of competition. The leader has to think of ways to get and keep customers in order to stay in business.  But one thing is for sure, ignoring them won’t keep them.

And business is about relationships.  No relationship, no business.  If you’re going out of business, in other words, don’t want a relationship and the responsibility of serving others,  take your sign down.

Some would say life is relationship.  Mama said this, “Your relationship to God is your most important relationship.”

And she wasn’t talking about rituals, e.g. going to church, giving to a charity, even reading The Bible can just be “putting up a sign” if your heart isn’t in it.  You’re just going through the motions.

Ever felt like that with your relationship to God?  That you were just going through the rituals and that you really didn’t mean it?  That means somewhere there was a disconnection from Him, because He’s right there.  He’s never left you.  And in fact wants to have a relationship with you.

No need in just going through the motions if you want to have a relationship with Him.  Just ask Him, kneel if you’d like and say, “Lord, I want to be your follower, to know you.  Show me the way to go.  I submit my life to you.  Believe that He loves you, cares about you and wants to have a relationship with you.

Later, Hater, While I Eat My Now & Laters, Drink Your Haterade, While I Drink My Kool aid, and make mine fruit punch

This blog post is for the Write 31 days challenge, “Messages from Mama” series.

Haters, Now & Laters and Koolaid are all a part of my childhood.

Now & Later is the name of a candy that comes in little individually wrapped squares, then sold in a row sealed in plastic, in flavors like grape, lemon, banana. Unbeknownst to my mother,  with my $1.00 allowance I filled my brown bag from the convenience store with Now & Later packs, Lemonheads, Boston Baked Beans and other sundry, sugary items that resulted in thousands of dollars in dental bills later.


“Hater” and “Hater-ade” are recent urban terms for an old experience.  “Hater” is someone who is jealous or hates you.  Used in a sentence, “The “Hater” should go drink her “Hater-ade,” like someone would chug down Gatorade.

Haters, Now & Laters and Koolaid are all a part of my childhood.

As a child, I had a “friend,” well at least someone who I thought was my friend.  We were like, well “peas and carrots.”  She was popular and I really wasn’t, and she liked me.  We would hold hands, go over each other’s houses, even our dolls were friends.

Day30 Frank Sinatra

We made cakes in our Easy Bake Oven. But, then one day, she just turned.  Instead of walking to school together, she walked past me – didn’t speak.  I thought maybe she didn’t see me.  But after school, she walked out with two more girls and right past me.  After a few days I was able to catch her alone and asked why.  She just laughed. our friendship was over.

“Well, I don’t know what happened, honey but sometimes people are jealous. Even hate you when you haven’t done anything to them,” Mama said while I cried at our kitchen table the place where my mother fed us physical and spiritual food.

Big tear drops falling on the table, “Jealous? Hate Me? Why? I couldn’t accept this from a friend who ate grape Now & Laters with me when I did nothing to her.

“There was a child in the Bible named Joseph who was the son of Jacob who had brothers who hated him and yet he did nothing to them either,” Mama continues while she stirs the cup of sugar, fruit punch Koolaid, water and ice in the glass pitcher.  One day he told them about a dream, that he didn’t interpret at the time, but his brothers knew it spoke of Joseph’s future.   They hated him for his dream. So, you know what they did?”

fruit punchMama consoles while she pours me a cup of fruit punch and makes me a sandwich, “They sold him into slavery. His own brothers were jealous.  According to historians, he was just 17 years old.”

Hater’s drinking a lot of haterade.

Perplexed I say, “His brothers didn’t like him, but he didn’t do anything to them!”

Mama again, “That’s right.   So you can be the gift of God you are, loved by God Himself and still be hated by others for no reason. But God was still with Joseph.  Although he was a slave, he ended up in the palace, reporting to the head man, Potiphar.  Whatever Joseph did, he did it well.

And Potiphar favored Joseph.  But some favor is not so good, because he was also favored by Potiphar’s wife.    She tried to trick him into doing the wrong thing, but he wouldn’t. Joseph was fine, like that little boy you like in school. You know?  So, she lied on him to her husband. Joseph, due to no fault of his own, goes from the palace to  prison.

Joseph suffered but then, but God…

Even in prison he became like a prison warden because along with being fine, he was also smart.

The dream gift God gave him that originally got him into slavery, later got him out of prison.  While in prison he interpreted a prisoner’s dream.  That prisoner was released and became a servant of the king.  Years later, when the King had a disturbing dream that couldn’t be interpreted, the prisoner-turned-servant remembered that there was a Dream Interpreter in prison, Joseph. Joseph interpreted the king’s dream and in one interaction, one moment, he went from prison to the palace again.  Joseph prospered and he blessed others to prosper – running things, getting married, living his life, like it’s golden.

That’s not where the story ends.  Joseph’s brothers, the same ones who sold him into slavery, ended up having to ask him for food. they ran out of food in their city and had to go to the city where Joseph ruled.  Yes, the same ones who enslaved him, Joseph now had the authority to enslave.

But he didn’t. And Joseph wasn’t perfect, he played around, scared them a little when they came to him for food.  They didn’t recognize him because the last time they saw him, he was a runt.  But when they faced him he was a fine, multi-lingual, sharp-dressed CEO.  He could have harmed, but he blessed them instead, giving them food and money.

But, baby girl, this is what I want you to know from this whole story.  Even if people hate you, God loves you.  And even though dreams are deferred, keep dreaming. And even though people harm you, if at all possible, bless them.  And even though family relationships are broken, they can be restored.  And even though you’ve experienced rejection, you can be healed.  And even in adversity, you can be excellent. And even though you suffer, you can say like,  Joseph, ‘God has made me to forget my suffering.’  None of that mattered to Joseph in the end.  Only love remained.

You Meant Evil, God Meant it for good. Genesis 50-20

Dear Reader, thank you for reading this blog post. Please comment, like or follow below. Blessings to you. Gwennie



Dorothy Richards, Happy Birthday & Transition Day, Oct 15



10: The Number of Times I Wanted to Avoid Something Today

“You can only lose if you quit.”  Mama This Message is For You

Today at least 10 times, I’ve wanted to avoid something.

First, it was daylight. My husband had already faced the inevitable but I was basking in the luscious depth of the dark giving way to dawn and enjoying just a few more deep breaths, laying in my bed before the startling noise of the alarm let me know, for sure, that resistance was futile. No more escaping the daylight, get up.

Then I wanted to avoid that all too important decision that comes around every Sunday morning, “Should I go to church?”  There is so much to do that hasn’t been done – housework, bills to pay, calls to make, cook, etc., etc., etc. Oh no, that doggone list again.  Maybe I should just escape to a desert island or something.

Fight or FlightThen, there was avoiding going into the grocery store. First, I’m wanting to escape from how much everything costs and then from waiting in that deli line, because it’s almost always long and the Chief Deli Specialist (just made up this name for the much-admired person behind the deli counter) is always busy trying to manage that long counter top that displays those delectable dishes, and the hungry customers who want to make sure that even though there is no official line that the Specialist knows who is next.

My next thing to avoid was doing anything mechanical.  I was not made with that gene so even simple tasks trigger my escape mechanism.   So, my bathtub drain was clogging up.  That meant getting a Phillips, finding and unscrewing the screw on the bathtub stopper. Now, yall, this is really two “avoids” in one.  First,  that whole mechanical thinking thing and then removing the hair that was causing the clog without gagging. Yuck!

And right now you are experiencing one of the other things I sometimes avoid, writing.  Sometimes the words just don’t come out.  It’s like they are hiding in some dark basement in my mind.  “Come out, I command you,” doesn’t work.  Yet, writing for me is something I’ve done since the 4th grade and when I don’t write, something, then I just run into myself and my gnawing urges to write.   Lord Byrum set me free when I discovered his quote, “If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.”  This was a phenomenon I couldn’t explain for years.  If I avoid writing or expressing the message within, I succumb to unhealthy habits such as overeating or anxiety.

Mama said, “You can only lose if you quit,” when pursuing those things that are most important in life – those things that are purposeful, meaningful, fulfilling for you, your deepest heart’s desires.    She said this to me once about one of my desires and right now, I don’t remember which one it was.  It could have been getting my undergraduate degree, finding a job I enjoyed, finding a loving relationship or it could have been mastering my negative thinking.

When she said, “Don’t quit,” she was really talking about don’t lose hope.  “Things happen in this life, Gwen, but the Lord said to me, ‘Your faith will outlast your storm.'”  She would know having gone through many storms, she was the encourager to those who were without hope that the God of Heaven and earth gives victories.

Dear one reading this, as another coach of mine said, ‘It is human to run. Just know what you’re running from and to.” It doesn’t do any good to keep running from yourself.  If you have a dream, ask God for wisdom for the next steps.  Sometimes, dreams are just that and they need to be surrendered on the altar of your heart.  Sometimes those dreams are resurrected and other times they are to be left there in God’s hands for something greater.  This isn’t quitting or running when you surrender it.  It simply means that God is birthing in you a greater vision.  Then, there are other times when you are moving in the direction of that dream and that dream is delayed.  But delay doesn’t mean “no.”  There are so many who had dreams that were delayed – Abraham, Joseph, David even Jesus’ Fulfillment and Resurrection happened after 33 years of walking this earth.  But change does come and will come.  For in due season you shall reap if you faint not.  Of this truth, I am a living witness.

The only way through some things is through. He is with us.Day14 Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it-


The Bible-Mobile

“Aw!  You are stepping on me!” I said to the blonde-curly-headed boy whose hair was in my face and whose feet were on my toes as he sat on the only available space left in my mother’s car, the floor.

Like that old Volkswagen Beetle challenge, Mama stuffed kids in her car any way she could. (This was before seat belt laws.)   Her green and white Buick Skylark, just an ordinary  vehicle was transformed into “the Bible Mobile” every Saturday at 11:30 am as it transported kids from the inner-city to our church across town for Saturday Bible class.
“Yall ready to go?” said my Mama as she picked up that last child for church.

My mother, Dorothy, taught children’s church for 40+ years.  She was strong, bold, wonderfully capable of declaring what she believed about God and life.  She was inspirational and many times commanded the attention of hundreds, likely thousands of children over the years between ages 6 – 12 with her vivid stories.

One story she told was about apples – Seedy, Saucy and Sweet.  Seedy was small and had too many seeds.   Saucy was bruised and mushy.   But Sweet was just right.  Each one of the apples was used to explain how people are.

Someone like the Seedy apple is hardened by life. Saucy people are disappointed and have lost their enthusiasm for life.   Sweet apple people are filled with the spirit – love, joy, peace, longsuffering.  They are used by God to sweeten the lives of others.  Living life to the fullest is being a sweet apple.

These simple truths still live in my heart today and I believe in the hearts of many other children who were my mother’s Saturday Bible School students.   I am thanking God for a Sweet Mama!  Apple.pngDorothy Richards, transitioned from this life October 15, 2016.




“God Gives Husbands” – Yellow Suspenders Part 2

My mother migrated from Mississippi as a 19-year old girl, looking for a new start.

Affectionately called “Dot,” bowed her head while on a train migrating that was heading for Indianapolis.  She prayed to the Lord to keep her from going astray.  She asked for a husband.  She had what she called an “open vision” of a man in yellow suspenders.

She went on with her life.  Worked at a bar, washing dishes, waitressing, busting tables. She entered through the backdoor – was not allowed to enter through the front and was warned not to do so.  She was able to make phone calls at the payphone if necessary.  She worked long hours and talking about having ten cents left at end of the week.  She was grateful because she was able to pay for her basic needs and still have a little left.

It wasn’t all work.  She enjoyed church, and teaching at Sunday school.

And there were picnics.  Sitting in the warm sun, eating good fall-off-the-bone ribs with cole slaw and good conversation with friends and family.

A man approached my mother during this p

Man praying

icnic.   He was about the same age she was, six feet tall, brown-skinned, nicely dressed.  He began talking to her in his very quiet way.  And she listened.  He says to her, “I think we should go get ice cream.” She agrees. They start a courtship. That man was my father.

It was a “coincidence” that my mother met my father there.  They didn’t know each other and my mother could have turned him away since she didn’t know him.  But she didn’t.  Because I believe her intuition or her spirit, knew what was happening.

Later, the prayer she prayed and the vision she had of the man in the yellow suspenders came back to her.

And what was my father wearing when they met? Yellow suspenders. They were together for 60+ years.

My mother once said, “I know that God gives husbands.”

God answers prayer.  My mother’s prayer was:

  • specific
  • sincere
  • intentional
  • and then she surrendered that prayer to God.

Has God ever answered your prayer?


A Prayer for Las Vegas

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

I am interrupting the next post on  “Yellow Suspenders.”  My heart is so heavy for the tragedy in Las Vegas.  One of my mother’s favorite scriptures was, Psalms 46:1,  which is about God being our refuge and  present in trouble.

Notice that at the end of Psalms 46:1 is the phrase  “in trouble.”  Sometimes when things happen, we ask, “Where is God?”  He’s in the trouble.

Notice what that scripture doesn’t say.  It doesn’t say, “God is with us and therefore we have no trouble.”  Since the disconnection from God, man has experienced trouble.

But we can also feel God in the trouble.   He’s working in our hearts when we feel sorrow for strangers.  When we look at the death and injured count we weep, our hearts absolutely ache. We are all connected and we feel sad for the victims’ and their families.  We weep with them that weep.

We hear God when commentators, comedians, celebrities lift their voices, like a cosmic choir pleading with us to pray.

We see God in  the absolute random acts of kindness, people who literally carried bodies out of harms way and into hospitals via pick up truck in one case.  We are all witnesses that “God was in the midst of her.” Psalms 46:5.

We have friends in Las Vegas.  We were relieved to hear when we called, “We are okay.”

But so many heard something different today.  They heard that a loved one was hurt or killed.

I know people say, “where is your God?”  He’s right here.

I can’t explain the “why’s” of this tragedy.  We now only know the “what’s” and we may never know fully know the “whys.”

We can pray.

To everyone who is reading this post I’m praying for you too.  Will you pray with me?

“Dear Lord, we acknowledge You in our lives. We thank you for another day.  Another chance to live for you.

We pray for the people who were injured in Las Vegas. We ask you to heal and comfort them.  We pray for the healthcare workers who are attending to them.  Give them wisdom to serve those who are injured.  We pray for the families who were impacted.  Lord give them peace, comfort and wisdom during this time of distress.  Give them help in this trouble – the help they need.  Let them know you are there.

Lord, I pray for the one who is reading this.  May they be encouraged and uplifted knowing that in this moment,  “You are our refuge and strength.” Amen.

Shalom to you my friend.

Yellow Suspenders

“They say there is a shortage of men, but you only need one.” Message from Mama.

I can imagine my mother, looking out the train window as she leaves the red mud of Mississippi for a city hundreds of miles away.

In the early part of the 20th Century, there was a great migration from the south to the north.  Some took flight for jobs; others to follow family and a few others for adventure. My mother may have left for all of these reasons and one more – a broken heart.  It didn’t work out with a man she planned to marry.

She was 19 years old.

Nineteen, full of hope, desiring more.  Her brother had already made the migration from south to north.  Her parents wanted her to go on to school, to which she replied, “I can do that too,” thinking that maybe, just maybe she could work full time and go to school at night.  She got her ticket, got on a train from Mississippi headed for Indianapolis.  Would she return?  She didn’t know then.  She just knew she needed to make it at 19.

With all of her courage, leaving the comfort of her nurturing mother, and hard-working, God-fearing father, she left the red dirt of Newton on a train.


Newton MS

Newton Mississippi  had a population of approx 2900 in 1949

“I was afraid,” my mother said, “But I had faith then stronger than I do now.”  She put her hands in the hands of God as she road that train.  She didn’t know how long it took to make it from Newton to the “big city” of Indianapolis, but sometime during the trip she had time to pray.

She prayed the kind of prayer that God hears, a sincere prayer.  She bent her head down behind the seat in front of her and prayed, “Lord, I’ve heard that when girls go to the city, they go astray. I don’t want to go astray.  Please send me a husband.”

And then, she saw something – not literally but in her spirit. She saw a man’s silhouette who had on yellow suspenders.

She thought no more about it.

She began her life in Indianapolis, living with her brother and sister-in-law and working at a restaurant as a waitress, cooking in the kitchen.

But God, hadn’t forgotten the prayer she prayed on that train.  Just like He hasn’t forgotten yours.

More tomorrow on how a seemingly chance encounter ended up being an answer to a prayer.



Victim or Victor

Victim or Victor

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation. (I Peter 2:9).

We can all fall prey to victim thinking – that “woe is me I have a lot of problems, I have no control, ‘they’ are out to get me thinking like

“She walked by me and didn’t speak.”

“I can’t ever have a good relationship.”

“Why does he always get the good women, the good jobs . . .”

“I can’t do anything about my situation.”

The children of Israel thought like victims too, even after God promised them wealth, freedom and prosperity through the promise land.

A few went to preview the promised land in Numbers 13.  The victors said, “It is a land flowing with milk and honey. We are well able to take the land.” The victims said,

And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. (KJV)

This is not what God said they were, but that’s the way they saw themselves . . . as grasshoppers.  When they saw themselves as grasshoppers, that is what they became.  

If you see yourself as a victim you will become one. Others will see you as a victim and victimize you. Do you see the cycle? It’s a vicious one. Until you renew your mind the cycle will continue. Victims is see things through the eyes of self-pity, lack of self-worth and powerless.

Today, just choose to see yourself as worthy.


Start to see yourself as Christ proclaims, a conqueror. You are a victor and you have the victory in Christ. See yourself as running toward the dawning of a new day. In Christ all things are possible. It is possible to change your heart to a heart that is full of the love of Christ. When your heart is full of the love of Christ, there is no room to be a victim. You begin to see how your actions contribute to the situation you are in. You begin to take control of the situation or the acts of faith to cause His kingdom to come, now, into your circumstance. You have the power to speak to the darkness, to right what is going wrong in your life. God will give you the wisdom, the power, the actions to take to address whatever is coming against you.

A victor sees God’s promise in every situation. If you feel lonely, don’t become a victim to it. Say aloud, “God has said that He would never leave me nor forsake me.”

A victor loves others unconditionally. It is to see others as God sees them. It is to be merciful and gracious even to those who are not to you.

A victor hears The Victor in them over the victim.

The ultimate result will be that your actions will line up with God’s Word. You will hear God speak to you in a personal way. You will see His mercy over judgment. Your victimization will end. You won’t have any difficulty finding someone to love you because everyone loves a victor!

It is impossible to think like a victim and act like Romans 8:11 is true which says, “That same Spirit that raised up Christ from the dead IS ALIVE in you.”

You Are Powerful and you are loved.

The scriptures say in I Peter 2:9, “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”  You have a position of power greater than the president of your company in Christ.  You are God’s child.

Therefore, live this way. You are not dependent on any other to affirm your value. If you ever have any question about your value, just think about what Jesus did on Calvary. He paid the ransom for you. You are valuable to Him.

Ever feel like you are stuck? You can’t go back, forward or remain the same? Like you’re perched atop the pointiest, narrowest two-foot wide plateau two hundred feet in the air?  Days filled with get up, get going, get tasks done, repeat?

Maybe you feel like you’re stuck in a time loop like Phil in the movie Ground Hog Day. Phil wakes up to February 2 over and over and OVER AGAIN. He tries everything to get out, including hurting other people,


Ground Hog Punxtawney Phil

committing crimes, satisfying every desire, taking ridiculous risks, and living by the “eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die,” philosophy. Even trying to commit suicide and driving off a cliff with ground hog Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t stop the time loop – he wakes up every morning to the song, “I’ve Got You Babe” on the radio and the same calendar day, February 2.

Is your “Same old ______ different day” now?  Like, maybe you might be experiencing

  • Same type of boyfriend, just a different name
  • Same job problems, just a different company
  • Same credit rating, just Equifax instead of Experian
  • Same argument, just a different day

You are on station SOSDD.

One of my favorite sayings about life is, “You don’t get to choose the curriculum, just how you go through it.” It is natural to want to jump out, but whenever we attempt to shortcut, skip the test, usurp the process, things tend to worsen rather than get better. Destructive behavior didn’t get Phil out of his SOSDD and it won’t get you out of yours.

God Always Provides a Way of Escape - It is Just a Matter of Receiving ItSo, I want you to go easy on yourself.  This desire to jump out or thump out comes from the caveman days.  When the caveman faced the fear of being a reptile’s lunch, he/she would go into ‘fight or flight’ mode.  Caveman froze in his tracks, pupils dilated and then thought, “should I stay or should I go?”


“Fight or Flight” fails!

Whether you have been scared out of your wits or just afraid of a changing circumstance, you’ve experienced fight or flight.  Fight  into today’s world, looks like, complaining, lashing out, exclamation points in emails, becoming  a victim. Flight looks like withdrawing, “I’m not going to give it my all,” being quiet when you should be speaking, taking your toys and going home in the middle of the party because you don’t want to play any more. Fight or flight was fine for the caveman to avoid getting eaten by an animal, but as for you and me, fight or flight, or “silence or violence” is an outdated subroutine to be abandoned for spiritual principles that are more effective.

How do you get out? Here’s the good news. A way out is promised by God in I Corinthians 10:13, which says God provides a way of escape from tests. Feeling stuck is just a test. God has already specifically crafted your deliverance as you surrender to Him. And, things are always changing, even when you can’t tell.

As you embark on this journey to deliverance there are a few principles to follow along the way.

STOP COMPLAINING. In the Bible the children of Israel died in the wilderness because of their unbelief which was manifested through, you guessed it, complaining. The pilgrimage from Egypt to the Promised Land was to take less than forty days. Instead, it took forty years. Complaining slows down your deliverance.

DEMONSTRATE GRATITUDE. Be grateful for even being able to get up this morning, for being a better person than you were last year, for the sunshine.  You’ve come a long way baby, and God has been with you.

ACTION TO TAKE NOW. Spend five minutes writing down as many successes and victories as you can remember. No success or victory is too small. “I got up this morning,” qualifies. What God has done for you in the past provides a bridge to the future.


Getting Unstuck and Overcoming “SOSDD”

Lessons from the back of an ambulance

An ambulance is disorienting. You are face up in a bed on wheels with rails with your head toward, well nowhere. Laying face up on the gurney is a little disorienting, as you feel you are being sucked feet first into something.

Also, there are a lot of steel silvery gadgets hanging, along with white cabinets. Then, looking sideways to see the face of the healthcare professional that, probably sees a lot of suffering in one day. My healthcare professional was looking at me upside down, sitting on something in the ambulance, smiling and trying to put me at ease by sharing stories.

“I’ve also fainted,” she said with empathy. “Since I was a child I’ve had brown outs, which are kind of like black outs,” I look up at the steel gray ceiling.

On that hot July morning, I was sitting in my office and felt something I hadn’t felt since my last car sickness experience – nausea. Getting up slowly and remembering to keep my head up, I walked to the bathroom and then, felt “it,” that swimming feeling experienced right before your body does something really unexpected. This time I couldn’t anticipate its next response.

And then it hit me, vomit. Running quickly to the toilet just a few feet away, I blacked out for a few seconds and then again. My husband couldn’t immediately revive me.

A lot panicked, my husband called 911. Now during this time, two beings appeared in my mind, don’t know if it were while I was out or in, but I could only see their silhouette. They were calming and it felt like they were both observers and caretakers. Maybe these were the paramedics. But that’s not who they were, the paramedics came later. Who were they you ask? I don’t know. Don’t know that to this day. Just explaining what happened and that their presence gave a sense of peace.

By the time the paramedics came, I was conscious and thought, “The drill is over. Everybody go back to what you were doing before.”

But my husband wouldn’t hear of it. “You need to get checked out,” he said. So, reluctantly and with tears in my eyes, the paramedics took me away in the big red ride – a ride just-as-expensive-as-a-limousine ambulance.


The day in the hospital gave me a chance to hydrate and to take note (e.g. note to self: dehydration + exhaustion = body shutdown) of my life and to ask a few questions 1) what is really so urgent that it all has to be done today and right now? 2) who am I trying to please? who else is driving my decisions and actions – is it truly the Lord or some other voice? 3) is this what being hydrated feels like – hm?) and 4) will I ever stop running? and finally, 5) who were those unnamed silhouettes who showed up at the fainting?

This happened a year ago. Some of my questions are still unanswered.

One thing that has changed, I’ve become more aware of how I’m making decisions and more importantly, “why.” I once heard an author say that the root cause of a lack of prioritization is “improper motive.” She further explained that people say “yes,” to things they should say “no,” to because they want to be accepted or approved by someone, versus choosing based on interest, desire or passion about something important to her.  Some things we have to do – such as keeping the lights on, eating right, taking care of children. But signing up to participate in that bake sale when you have no desire or interest in baking or the sale or the cause for the sale should be questioned.

We are all on this journey of discovery – the discovery of self.

I’m working toward an aligned life – where my thoughts, words and deeds are all aligned, and that I’m facing life full force with passion, rigor, interest and love.